Four years ago James Blunt released a single called Monsters about his father’s life-threatening illness and his own relation to his father’s situation. A beautiful song with haunting lyrics, for some reason it escaped my attention until a young man named Iam Tongi performed it, struggling to sing through his tears, on America’s Got Talent earlier this year. Blunt’s father, Charles, diagnosed with stage 4 renal disease, received a transplant in response to the singer’s public plea for help and is doing well. Iam’s father, Rodney, Tongi’s musical mentor, died of kidney failure just months before the high schooler’s audition on AGT.

https://youtube.com/clip/Ugkx3u5ItnckHY_OfbO4WSGwkfpwL8ARPR-t

For me, the song reawakened feelings about my own experience many years ago with my father’s final illness and then death. It was shocking for me to realize that I was 39, a year younger than our youngest child, when my father died. I felt very grown up at that age, a mother of five, in a responsible position at work.

My father was a community rabbi, loved, admired, practically idolized by the people in his Texas congregation. Diminutive in height, maybe 5’6″ (167 centimeters), he was a giant in his personal stature of charisma, empathy, cleverness, and depth in his sermons and other teachings. Having grown up in Chicago in an ultra-Orthodox Satmar home, his ideological embrace of Conservative Judaism was anathema to his stern Satmar Rabbinical father. His adoption of Texas cowboy boots and, with time, a slight Texas twang belied his yeshiva background.

I was born the third daughter of three. It was a huge disappointment to my father that there would be no sons for him to sit and learn Torah with, in spite of his ambivalence, and a long love/hate relationship with traditional Judaism. He insisted for a while on giving me a boy’s name – back in the day when genderized names were the thing – but my mother’s wishes prevailed.

There was a period of time when he sat and learned Torah with me after school in the afternoons, time with him I cherished until family dramas of a different nature overcame us both.

I frequently accompanied him on shiva calls to grieving families in order to have more time with him. Our bonding during those drives stood us in good stead during the stormy years when my angry rebellion and his equally angry response drove us apart.

I left home just prior to my 17th birthday to join The Age of Aquarius in Haight Ashbury during the summer of peace and love in 1969. In the last minutes before my departure his final words to me were “If you walk out that door, I won’t have anything to do with you again.”

Five years later he danced at my wedding, a wedding he performed in my parents’ backyard. We took the opportunity to rekindle our mutual fan club of two, never actually talking about our estrangement, but expressing relief at reuniting.

Over the following years, he called on me many times to come take care of my mother so that he could visit his own mother in Israel or attend conferences or give lectures around the US.

We had ample time to share his regrets about his choice of vocation (he would’ve loved to be a political science professor at a top university) and his failure to make amends with his father before his death. We talked about my doubts about giving up a future in law in favor of moving to Israel, and my concerns about bringing children into a world of materialism and violence.

Two subjects we never discussed were his feelings about religion and his lack of skills as a father while we three daughters were growing up. I think we both sensed these topics to be too painful, possibly too divisive. to overcome.

Since his death, I’ve often wished we’d talked about both.

When he had his first surgery for lung cancer in the spring of 1991, I flew to Florida from Israel to be with him. Though my mother was often with him, he found excuses to her to leave us alone for quality time. We didn’t speak about heavy subjects. I remember him filling me in on his favorite television shows, mostly detective shows, and me sharing photos with him of my kids who were 9-16 years old at the time. We reminisced about their bar and bat mitzvahs he’d attended in Israel, talked about Gershon’s trials and tribulations in his orchards, about various people in his San Antonio congregation, and what was going on in their lives. I especially remember him talking about future trips he planned to make. He seemed optimistic that his illness was a blip in his life plan.

During the months between his first surgery and his final illness in the summer, we exchanged many letters. I’m so grateful today that this was before the age of emails and texting. My father was as eloquent in his correspondence as he was articulate as a speaker and teacher. In his beautiful cursive script, he shared his admiration for my life choices, his ultimate satisfaction with his own life, his worry about my mother’s life without him, and about my sisters. He wrote about being happy to have been able to say goodbye to people in Texas in a timely manner. He wrote sweet wishes for each of my children and expressed sorrow at not being able to watch them grow into adults and marry.

I flew in again, with a very heavy heart, when he was hospitalized for what would clearly be his final days.

Four days before his death he sent my mother on an errand and described a dream he’d had the previous night. In this dream, he was a very young child again, living in a railroad-type of apartment in Jerusalem. He could see from one end of the apartment to the other and described each room in great detail.

It was the first time he’d ever talked about his childhood to me. He related a simple, mundane memory of his mother scolding him for getting his shirt dirty outside.

On each of the three remaining days he again found an excuse for my mother to absent herself from the room and related another dream to me. In each dream he was older than the previous one. On Friday he described his wedding to my mother, where three rabbis – no less – performed the ceremony much to my maternal grandmother’s, an anti-religion atheist, chagrin.

I instinctively knew there would be no more dreams.

I recognized the process he’d been going through, as did he.

We spoke with my mother and the hospice team who were to help me care for my father in my parents’ home when we came home on Tuesday, but he and I exchanged understanding glances throughout.

When my mother and I left that afternoon I let my mother leave the room first and stayed behind to give my father, never a physically affectionate person, a hug. He gave me a squeeze with what energy he could summon.

We felt no need in those last days to discuss his mistakes and mine; we both understood them well enough. I felt no need to read him his rights and wrongs, felt so painfully as a child and then as an adolescent in a dysfunctional family with an emotionally detached father.

While I didn’t say to him that it was my turn to chase the monsters away, I think my reactions to his dreams said it as loud and clear as James Blunt and Iam Tongi.

When the phone rang that night, after the Sabbath had begun, though I don’t answer the phone on the Sabbath, I picked up.

Rabbi Amram Prero, 1915-1991

A complicated, magnificent life.

I miss you.